Only when I lose myself
by Misura
Summary: Yami watches Yugi, only Kaiba thinks he's watching Joey. And Yugi's too busy staring at Yami to notice. [shounen ai]
1. Beginning

Only when I lose myself

Warnings/notes : Yami/Yugi, hints at Seto/Joey, shifting first pov, songfic.

Disclaimer : I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. The song 'Only when I lose myself' belongs to Depeche Mode.

written at 29th october 2003, by Misura

For Sarah Harvey, who requested this song and pairing. Hope you'll like it! :)

**********

//It's only when I lose myself in someone else

Then I find myself

I find myself// [Yami]

Yugi is laughing at some joke of Joey's. They're too far away to hear what's amusing them so much, but I find myself smiling just the same.

Simply at the sound of Yugi's laughter, sparkling and full of life and light. Like him.

He doesn't know how utterly beautiful he is, how much his innocence calls out to me to ... protect it. To cherish it, keeping the world outside at a distance.

To smother him, perhaps, never letting him out of my sight, always wishing to be as close to him as we once were, when we shared a single body.

Not that I regret us getting separate bodies, mind you. This new situation does offer certain ... options.

Still, there are moments I miss not knowing his every thought, feeling his every breath. Moments when it feels rather lonely to be all alone in this body. 

//It's only when I lose myself in someone else

Then I find myself

I find myself// [Yugi]

Yami is staring at me again. It's very strange, really. He has been doing that a lot recently, while he's also started to evade me.

It has come to a point where we hardly talk anymore, beyond the meaningless greetings in the hallway or at breakfast in the morning. It hurts, you know, having dreamt about a person caring for you, loving you and then finding them so uncaring when you wake up.

The first few days he slept in the same room with me, until Grandpa cleaned out all the old stuff out of some backroom. I wished he hadn't sometimes.

I know it's selfish, wishing that, wishing to keep another person this close to me. He has more than earned the right to live a life of his own after all he's done for me.

I should let go of him. But I don't want to. There's nobody like him, no one who could take the empty place he's left in my soul and it hurts, it hurts ...

//Something beautiful is happening inside for me

Something sensual, it's full of fire and mystery// [Yami]

Before Grandpa got me a room of my own, I slept in the same room as Yugi. Like I had done before, when I was merely a soul, living in his head, in his body.

There were nights I would wake up in the middle of the night to hear him moan and cry out my name, in the throes of some nightmare. I would hold him then, feel his heart's quick beating against mine, until his body stopped trembling and shaking.

After tugging back the blankets around him, his touch would linger. It would take me hours to get to sleep then, lying awake to stare at the form on the other bed. Listening to his even breathing, knowing his dreams were peaceful. Thanks to me.

I wonder who chases his nighmares away now. Perhaps his Grandfather? The old man's room is just on the other side of the corridor, closer than my current room. Foolish to envy him for that, I know. Grandfather is definitely no rival of mine, yet there are times when the unconditional trust Yugi puts in him leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Especially compared to what *I* get from my aibou nowadays.

//I feel hypnotized, I feel paralyzed

I have found heaven// [Yugi]

I still have dreams about him. Dreams I wouldn't tell to anyone, not even Grandfather and *definitely* not Yami himself. He'd either pity me or feel disgusted. I want neither.

What I want is to wake up from them and find his arms around me again, hear his voice murmuring words of reassurance and caring. But the period in which I could get that was over far too soon.

I've been trying to find an excuse to go down to his room at night, maybe claim nightmares haunting me. Nightmares only he could keep at bay, merely by holding me. But it wouldn't be right. How can I even consider lying to him like that?

Relationships are built on trust, aren't they? If I ever want to regain his friendship and respect, as a normal person instead of the person he's stuck with by fate, I can't start it off by deceiving him.

But how can he ever like the real me? I'm nobody special, just an average boy, small for his age. Not interesting at all to someone like Yami. He can get someone much better than me.

He can get anyone now ; no one would be able to say no to him. Beauitful, strong, irresistable Yami. So far out of reach, while I could touch him nearly every moment of the day.

//There's a thousand reasons

Why I should not spend my time with you// [Yami]

I should find something to distract me, to make me stop thinking of Yugi all the time. I find myself hovering around him like some protective guardian far too often. He doesn't need me though, not anymore, and it's time I accepted that.

"Are you going to play your next card today or do you need another day to make up your mind?" Kaiba's cold voice interrupts my thoughts. Good thing, that.

Though I do hope he hasn't been following my gaze. He's not exactly my friend after all ; I'm sure he'd find a way to use a weakness like that against me. Or Yugi. I know they still Duel too, on occasion.

Yugi even lets him win every now and then. I can't. When I play a game, I have to win it. And when I make a promise to myself, I will keep it. Yugi deserves his own life, free from me.

"So eager for another defeat?" I smirk, placing a Magic Card face-down on the board and bringing his life-points down by another few hundred points. Victory still tastes sweet these days, no matter how easy it comes to me or, in Kaiba's case, how often I've won it before.

//For every reason not to be here I can think of two

Keep me hanging on// [Yugi]

"Earth to Yugi! Someone in there?" Joey's hand waves in front of my face, a hint of worry in his voice.

I feel a blush creeping up my cheeks, even if I hastily turn my eyes away from Yami. "Sorry, Joey. What were you saying?" I smile a little, knowing it will assure him I'm all right.

Even Yami always fell for that one, never probing deeper.

"I was asking if maybe you could, well, give me some tips on beating Kaiba." He looks almost embarrassed to ask though I don't quite understand why. I've helped him fine-tuning his deck before, and more than once too, after all.

"Sure, Joey." I offer him a wider smile this time. "Though I can't guarantee - "

"Thanks, Yug!" He beams, like I've just given him the greatest of gifts. Weird. Normally Joey is about as easy to read as the proverbial open book, but now, I have no idea what's on his mind.

//Feeling nothing's wrong

Inside your heaven// [Yami]

Yugi is smiling at Joey again. I can feel the warmth of it almost here, wishing that smile was meant for me rather than his friend. I wonder what they're talking about.

"Enjoying the view?" Kaiba sneers, almost as bad as when Joey has managed to bring him to the edge and he's about to lose his temper. He's never done so before in our Duels.

"What view?" I ask neutrally. In part I'm really curious though. Just what has gotten Kaiba this snappy?

"The faeries." He grumbles. It takes me a moment to realize he has just made a joke. A sarcastic one, admittedly, but still ... he's definitely behaving oddly today. "The mutt, of course."

Ah. That explains it then. He thinks I have taken an interest in his 'secret' crush and now he's growling at me to warn me off. And then he accuses *Joey* of behaving like a dog. 

There are times when I could almost feel sorry for him. With my current problems though, I'm not in the mood to be generous.

"I play another card face-down and attack with my Dark Magician." I inform him. He looks like he'd like to tear out my throat. Heh. I'm beginning to amuse myself here. Now, if only I can keep my mind and eyes off of Yugi ...

Damnit!

~tbc~


	2. Middle

Only when I lose myself

Warnings/notes : Yami/Yugi, hints at Seto/Joey, shifting first pov, songfic.

Disclaimer : I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. The song 'Only when I lose myself' belongs to Depeche Mode.

written at 3rd november 2003, by Misura

Thanks to the people who reviewed the first chapter :

To Yami-Yugi3 : Here's the 'more', hope you enjoy it! :)

To Quatre Winner : Well, I hope it'll live up to your expectations. Thank you! ^_^

To Kaira-chan : I'd never give a Romance/Humor-fic a sad ending, rest assured. ^_^ Thank you!

To hieiandkuramalover : Thank you very much! *blushes* :)

To SeilinKenga : *gets tackled* ^^; Thank you!

To setosbabydragon : I'll try to update weekly, thank you! :)

To Sarah Harvey : *beams and blushes at the same time* Glad to hear you enjoyed it so much! I hope you'll enjoy the rest of the fic as well! ^_^

To Lilly starwind : Hope you'll like the second chapter. :)

To shadow-demon18b : Thank you! ^_^

To Suppis Tenshi : *dances around the room holding her new plushies* Thank you very much! ^_^

To KC : One week soon enough? Hope you'll like it! :)

To ColeyCarissa : Thank you.

To Donella : But ... ?

To Shousetsuka1 : Thank you, I'll do my best! :)

To Koishii No Tenshi : Thank you! Is a week soon enough? :)

To Kiawna : I can't say 'no' to puppy-eyes so ... thank you! :)

To DarkShadowFlame : *blushes and beams* Wow! Thank you very much! Hope you'll enjoy this chapter as well. ^_^

To RaineKitsune : Thank you!

To Molly-chan the anime/game fan : Thank you very much! : )

*

[!] Chapter warning : ooc Kaiba

For Sarah Harvey, who requested this song and pairing. Hope you'll like it! :)

**********

_//It's only when I lose myself in someone else_

_Then I find myself_

_I find myself// _[Yami]

"You didn't answer my question." Kaiba observes. I tear my gaze away from Yugi again to find him staring at me with smothering eyes. He's such an idiot. Such a loser.

He could have Joey at a single word, a single admission of caring. Instead, he sneers at the blond, wasting his chances. I could almost be jealous at him for having the person he cares for answer his feelings, something I will probably never have.

The only one I want is the one I have to cut myself loose from, to prevent him from becoming dependent on me again. It would be so easy. And so utterly wrong.

"You're right ; I didn't." A game within a game. That should distract me a little. Kaiba is still trying to kill me with his glares. I could tell him they don't even impress me, but why bother? 

"I demand a response." Kaiba informs me, like he has any right to go around making demands of anyone. Least of all me, the only one he can't beat at Duel Monsters. Aside from Yugi.

I sigh. This distraction-attempt simply seems to be doomed to fail.

_//It's only when I lose myself in someone else_

_Then I find myself_

_I find myself// _[Yugi]

"You see, I've been thinking." Joey pauses for effect. Or maybe to give Honda and Anzu an opportunity to gasp and make exclamations of surprise at that statement. Neither of them's listening at the moment though.

I limit my reaction to the encouraging nod that's expected of me.

"And the main-strength of Kaiba's deck are his three Blue Eyes White Dragons. So if I find a way to get rid of those, I can totally kick his ass. Right?" Puppy-eyes stare at me.

It's hard not to pat his head now, no matter how impossible that would be due to our different heights. Not to mention I doubt if he'd appreciate it.

"Didn't you Duel him without his Blue Eyes already?" I ask, knowing the answer to that is 'yes'. Kaiba has defeated his poor puppy with the trashiest of decks, just to prove he could. I don't know why Joey lets him do it, or why he bothers keeping up the facade of desiring to win.

"Well, yes, but ... " Joey bites his lower lip. "That's not how I want to beat him."

Resisting the urge to ask if he wishes to win at all, I school my expression to one of understanding. 

_//I can feel the emptiness inside me fade and disappear_

_There's a feeling of content that now you are here// _[Yami]

"Well?" Kaiba sounds genuinely upset I keep my silence. Like I owe him any explanation for staring at my hikari! Well, of course he doesn't really know it's Yugi I'm studying instead of ... Joey.

"Just what is your problem, Kaiba?" I make sure I sound tired, weary, slightly annoyed. "What do you want?" Like I don't know.

"I want you to stay away from Joey." He hisses, too soft to be heard by anyone but me. A pity that, though it does prolong our little game.

"Who says I'm interested in Joey?" I taunt softly, dangling the bait in front of his nose.

"Joey is mine!" Yes, I think they definitely heard that on the other side of the room, Kaiba. I smirk, even when he brushes the cards that make up our current Duel off the table in an angry sweep. I was winning but it doesn't matter. 

The victory I have won that caused that gesture was much sweeter anyway. I notice Joey and Yugi are both staring at us, at him more exactly. 

_//I feel satisfied// _[Yugi]

"Joey is mine!" Kaiba's angry voice seems to echo through the room. For a moment I am too startled to react, but then I realize what that statement has to mean.

Joey's eyes are very wide, yet I can see a hint of elation in them as well. I should feel glad for him, glad he finally has heard some confirmation of his feelings being answered. Kaiba isn't even looking at him, too focused on Yami.

"You can have him." Yami's voice is like velvet, like the purring of a cat. It puzzles me, this odd tone of his. He sounds sincere.

Joey opens his mouth, perhaps to protest he's not 'to be had' unless by his own agreement, but no sound comes out. His cheeks are of a bright red.

"I will." Kaiba seems to nearly choke on the words. Joey's blush deepens, if such is possible. I hadn't thought it was, but here he is, proving me wrong. 

Yami snorts. "Oh really? I'll need to see that before I believe it."

_//I belong inside_

_Your velvet heaven// _[Yami]

I'd be sooo dead if looks could kill. Fortunately, they can't and I coolly return Kaiba's glares.

"Watch me." he snarls, before turning on his heels and storming out of the door. Considering the supposed object of his seduction-to-be (though I doubt he'd have much of a challenge there) is still in the room, it's not quite the type of action I'd have hoped for.

Joey makes a squeaking noise, before running after Kaiba. I wonder if I should take Kaiba up on his invitation and follow him as well.

"Those two ... " Yugi shakes his head, making me look at him before I remember I was supposed not to do that anymore. He looks amused as well as a little sad. The sadness is very faint ; he tries to hide it behind his smile but I can see it just the same.

I want to take it away, demand what has dared to cause him grief and deal with it. I can't do that though ; it's no longer my task, my privilege to do so.

Joey is chasing after the one he loves, yet I must shove that person away. For his own good. No matter how much it hurts me to do so, not to reach out to hold him now.

_//Did I need to sell my soul_

_For pleasure like this?// _[Yugi]

Yami looks at me. He sees me too, I think, sees my hurt at not being as close to him as I was before. He doesn't do anything though ; he just stands there. Uncaring. Cold. Distant.

It's almost ironic, isn't it, how close we were before, closer than two humans in love can ever hope to be, and how far apart we are now. While Kaiba and Joey were arguing all the time, the two of us rarely disagreed and always worked together.

Yet here we are. And there they are.

~tbc~


	3. Ending

Only when I lose myself

Warnings/notes : Yami/Yugi, hints at Seto/Joey, shifting first pov, songfic.

Disclaimer : I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. The song 'Only when I lose myself' belongs to Depeche Mode.

written at 6th november 2003, by Misura

Thanks to the people who reviewed the second chapter :

To Sansi : Don't worry, they'll see the light! ^^; Thank you.

To Molly-chan the anime/game-fan : Nooo, don't take Yami away! I need him to make Yugi happy again! ^^; Thank you!

To Sarah Harvey : Well, hope your exams went well. And thank you very much!

To Kaiar-chan : Glad you enjoyed it! (Hmm, you think I'm good at sad stuff? But … but I'm such a cheerful person! Writing sad things makes me go sad too.) ^_^;

To RaineKitsune : Thank you!

To DarkShadowFlame : Well, Seto hates to be confronted with his feelings. So he's kind of fleeing, actually. Of course he manages not to make it *look* that way, but … that's my interpretation of that scene. Though yours is cuter. Thank you very much! ^_^

To Suppis Tenshi : No second middle ; I was out of lyrics anyway. ^^; And yes, I think Yami and Yugi shape up nicely in this chapter. Hope you'll like it! ^_^

To Shadow-demon18b : Thank you! : )

To Authoress formally knownas Lizz : Well, this *is* the last chapter after all. Hope you'll like it! : )

To Batbabe1 : Thank you, I did my best. : )

To Lilly Starwind : Well, it's not *that* much of a surprise I think. ^^; Hope you'll like it!

To Mel Gods : I think Kaiba is mainly a person who uses mind and words to deal with adversaries. And since he was already dueling Yami … I don't know, I just don't see him getting physical. Not with Yami anyway. ^^; Hope school'll get a little less evil! : )

To Lethe Seraph : Thank you very much. : )

To Romennar : Thank you, I'm glad to hear that. : )

To hieiandkuramalover : *grins* Sounds like you got a good solution for their problem. ~.^  Thank you!

To Koishii no Tenshi : Well, I do have my share of abandoned fics. ^^; But glad to hear a week's fast enough. Hope you'll enjoy this last chapter.

To Temptress Nagisa : The ending'll be happy, don't worry! Thank you! : )

To MusumeMarron : *blushes* Thank you!

*

For Sarah Harvey, who requested this song and pairing. Hope you'll like the ending!

**********

_//Did I have to lose control_

_To treasure your kiss?// _[Yugi]

If I'd cry out my love for him, what would he do? If I'd turn and run away, would he follow me? And if he did, would it be for pity's sake or because he truly cares?

I don't want his pity, don't want him to waste his life staying at my side just because he feels sorry for me. Or because his honor compels him to protect his precious aibou.

What I want from him ... to love me, for starters. Like a lover, I mean. I don't want him to love me the way Kaiba loves Mokuba, hiding him away from most of the ugly realities of this world, forever keeping him safe and cherishing him.

I want Yami to love me the way Kaiba loves Joey, enough to yell out he loves me not caring who will hear. Enough to get possessive whenever someone else is merely looking at me ... 

I want Yami's smile to be the first thing I see in the morning, when I wake up with his arms still holding me, knowing he has held me while I slept, guarding me even in my dreams.

I want ...

"You want ... ?" Yami's eyes are unsettling if you receive their full attention. Especially for people with a guilty conscience, such as I have at the moment.

_//Did I need to place my heart_

_In the palm of your hand?// _[Yami]

What was Yugi going to say before I interrupted him? I shouldn't have, I know. I'd better have simply waited for him to finish that line on his own, no matter how eager I am to hear the end of it.

Now he looks away, his cheeks a red glow to show his embarrassment. Once, I could have used our Mindlink to find out what's bothering him, before finding a way to draw the truth from his own lips. 

At present though, I can do nothing but guess and act on what I suspect. What I hope, I shouldn't take into acount, no matter how tempting that is. He's been like this before sometimes, those nights when I had to wake him from his dreams. He never wanted to tell me what they were about.

"It's not important." he whispers, in an echo of those midnight hours. He should know what my answer to that will be, has ever been.

"It is to me." I dare not touch him though. I am sure all my good resolves would crumble to dust then, undoing all the good that has come from my hard work thus far. Yugi is no longer dependent on me.

"Yami ... I don't want you to hate me." Amethyst eyes search mine, so sad and lost. Why do I feel so guilty about that, like I am the cause of them, rather than that I have failed to keep Yugi safe from this pain?

"I could never hate you." Why do I feel so cheap, saying this? Because words like 'never' and 'always' shouldn't be used for such a fragile thing as love? Because they sound too sappy to be true?

_//Before I could even start_

_To understand// _[Yugi]

I laugh, slightly disturbed to notice I'm sounding a little hysterical. Yami thinks nothing could make him hate me? If only he knew ... should I tell him?

Is that what it's going to take to completely free him from the ties that keep him chained to my side? 'The truth will set you free', isn't that how the saying goes? And wouldn't it feel better for me too, to stop hiding my secret for the one person who knows me nearly as good as I do myself?

"I love you, Yugi." His eyes tell me it's true. Of course. I've always known he loved me, cared for me like for no one else. The problem is that the way he loves me isn't the way I love him.

"I love you too, Yami." My voice quivers. I can see the questions in his eyes now, his puzzlement at my distress. He can read me far too well and yet not well enough.

My secret is still mine alone. He'll probably never even suspect I'm not that pure, innocent creature he thinks me to be. Yami ... why do I have to be so weak?

Your arms seem to be in a perfect position to embrace me. Like I only have to step forward to be held by them, close to you. I stay where I am though, refusing to give in to the illusion.

_//It's only when I lose myself in someone else_

_Then I find myself_

_I find myself// _[Yami]

I don't know why those words slipped out of my mouth so easily, as if they were waiting for a chance to slip out. Still it seems they haven't done too much damage.

Now, if I can control myself ... Yugi's eyes seem to call out to me, to step forwards and sweep him off his feet in a hug. To capture him in my arms to never let him go again. That would be wrong.

"You don't know me." He seems to flinch at that truth and I feel a stab of guilt.

"You don't know me either." He smiles sadly, making it clear his words aren't intended to be taken for an accusation. Rather, they are a statement, as true as mine.

But how can that be so? Our souls have been linked for nearly a year ; we should know eachother better than any two other people.

"It's better that way." I assure him. Better that he doesn't know about those times I lay awake at night after having held him to hush him back to sleep. Better that he doesn't know about my dreams and desires, all focused on the one I'm sworn to protect.

"Maybe." he admits, biting his lower lip. He stares at his feet for a moment, before lifting his head again to look me straight in the eyes.

_//It's only when I lose myself in someone else_

_That I find my life_

_I find myself// _[Yugi]

"But maybe not." It may be madness, this sudden rush of boldness that has come over me. And yet, why not try to get at least a taste of what I want?

Why not give in to the dreams for a moment? I take a step in his direction, and another one. He watches my approach, a hint of wariness in his eyes. Yet he stays where he is. For the first few moments.

When I am halfway, he moves. Not away though ; he strides forwards, taking one step for every two of mine. It's strange, really, how everything seems to happen naturally all of a sudden.

My arms are around his waist and his arms are around me as well and I can't remember how or when our lips came to touch but they are and I don't care.

"Yugi ... " We are both out of breath, yet he finds the air to speak somehow. One word only and it's my name. He has used it before, of course, but somehow it feels different now.

"I'm sorry." I blurt out.

He seems surprised. "What for?"

"For loving you this way." I blush. "For dreaming about kissing you like this."

_//It's only when I lose myself in someone else_

_Then I find myself_

_I find myself// _[Yami]

"You ... " I can't believe I haven't noticed anything. I *know* he is shy, that he tends to bottle up his feelings inside. How could I miss something like this though, allowing myself to hurt him in my ignorance?

Even now, he is in pain. Because *I* was too stunned to act.

"I will never leave you." I promise, gently lifting his head to make him look at me. "As long as you want me I will be there."

He shakes his head. "You deserve a life of your own." I almost laugh at the sheer irony of it ; wasn't it me who wanted to walk away because I thought the same about him?

"This body gave me the freedom to choose." I gently press him closer to me, still looking into his eyes to make sure he is at ease with my actions. No matter what he says about dreams, reality can be quite different and a whole lot more scary. "And I choose this."

I kiss him again.

And neither of us notices the two pairs of eyes that watch all this, belonging to the two persons who stand frozen in the doorway before they slip away quietly, exchanging a smile.

~OWARI~


End file.
